no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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