i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
