True but thats because hes a fetus.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
