oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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