he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
