Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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