All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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