Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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