She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
