So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Boobs speak an international language.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
