proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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