i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
