There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
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I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
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Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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