im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
