jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
