Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
