before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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