turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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