Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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