I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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