If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
