why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
