Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
