Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
