I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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