stop calling my apartment porn island.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
