he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
ttyl tear gas
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
