You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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