1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So much Jack, so little girl.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
