she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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