I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
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The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
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Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.