haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
