According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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