my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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