god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
