Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
