Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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