Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
