The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
