Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Green mimosas i think yes
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
