I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
