There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
