So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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