doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
