This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
