i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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