The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i love accidental penises.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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