Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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