Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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