i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
