soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
