You were right. It hurts to walk today.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
