the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
