all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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