I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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