Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
