Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
