so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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