Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
