I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
